Tuesday, May 6, 2014

For me

I wanted something to always remember. God is with me, no doubt. He's brought me so far and will continue to. One day I'll meet the sweet baby we lost. I'll save some names until that day.

Monday, May 5, 2014

April 10th

...Was supposed to be the happiest day of 2014. The day we were to "hear" Baby Snell #2s heartbeat. But that didn't happen. Nope, instead it started a series of blood tests, ultrasounds, and lots of time waiting. I knew immediately something was wrong when she said "Well it looks like you're 5 days 5 weeks." Me: "That can't be right. I was that almost 3 weeks ago when I went in to check my HCG levels, and that doesn't add up when my last period was???" The lady didn't really know what to say. She was convinced it was just an early pregnancy. I was to meet the doctor afterwards so she had us wait in this room right outside all the ultrasound rooms. All the rooms that had horses racing aka baby heartbeats. Me. Terrified. We wait for an hour. Do you know how long 1 hour is when you're awaiting such news? The look on my face was pure shock and frankly terrified. Ryan kept trying to get me to relax and was convinced the doctor would clear up everything. We finally were moved into a room where we answered questions with the nurse. I watched her type in pregnancy confirmation...5 weeks 5 days. That is when I retold her everything. She looked confused and I lost it. Uncontrollable tears. I wanted answers and it was taking forever to get them. I excused myself to the restroom and upon my return we were ushered to the doctor's office. We.Waited.Again. Then finally he came in. I had to explain everything OVER again. He went through a bunch of explanations of things it could be or what could be going on. What our next steps were, etc. He was very kind, but didn't sugar coat anything.

Lost it again.

On the way out with my bag of "Congratulations You're Pregnant Bag" in hand, I had to stop and give blood.
Blood Lady, "Name?"..."Birth date"..."Which Arm"...
Yes, that blunt, that unfriendly. She missed, moved the needle around, never got any blood and left me with an immediate hematoma.
Next Arm...she got after a minute. Took the needle out, placed a bandage on and NEVER.SAID. A.WORD.
I walked out and blood started immediately pouring down my arm. So I had to go back in, get it cleaned it up, SHE still said nothing, and I left. The pure rudeness did me in. I lost it again.
I bawled in Ryan's arms for a good ten minutes. We immediately started messaging close friends and family to pray for us. They did. I know, I felt it. Many just knew God would perform a miracle or that this was all just a technology mistake. Firmly believed everything would turn out okay. Heck I did too!

More waiting began. That was a Thursday. We had to wait until Monday morning to do the second round of blood work to see if my numbers were doubling and if it was in fact a technology mistake. Monday came and went. Blood work done. No phone call.

We really believed.

April 15, 2014
Tuesday morning I began calling at 8 a.m. the nurse called around 9:30 stating it wasn't looking good and that the doctor would call me as soon as possible, but that he wanted me to have a heads up that my numbers didn't double/triple like they should've.
So I waited until 3:30ish when I finally heard from him myself that there was no hope. No chance. The baby stopped growing. To me this was the day the miscarriage happened. I'll never know the exact day things went South, but this day was it for me.

He still wanted me to go in for my already scheduled ultrasound on Thursday where I watched a screen that showed where there once was a sack was no longer even there. Then more blood work and yes more waiting. By this time it was Easter weekend. The office was closed for Good Friday. SO I awaited the results of whether or not my body was taking care of things on its own or if I needed surgery.

Monday 8 a.m. the call came. Looks like your levels are rising (in my mind this was my last chance of hope). I still believed in a miracle. He proceeded with how this happens and causes things to draw out for weeks (up to that point I had still seen NO blood since my last period Feb. 19th).

              ...I'm not sure God's plan, but a miracle wasn't it. No technology mistake. No baby. 

I informed him this could not drag out for weeks and he absolutely without hesitation said "I really need to get you in ASAP." The next morning at 5:45 was ASAP. That day was so surreal, the whole experience really. I made arrangements for Aubree and myself. Tuesday came and went. Oh and I went in for one last ultrasound, my choice, just to make sure.

The surgery (D&C) was horrible. The whole experience. Great nurses, great doctors. Drugs made me cray, cray. It happened so fast. I woke up lost and confused, stating I didn't know what happened. Good thing. They told me recovery was a day. That was an absolute lie. I went to work the next day, but if you ever have to go through this, which I pray you don't... Do not go to work the next day. Or day after that. Or day after that. Don't stay in bed forever, but trust me when I say I didn't lay in bed any day but the first and it all came crashing down 3 days later. I felt horrible all in between, but pressed through. However, fever and pure exhaustion hit in an unexplainable way that left me in bed all day that Saturday. I would have Sunday to if I could have as well.

We tried 8 months. We finally made a baby. We lost it.

I know MANY people have way worse situations/stories. Longer wait periods, etc. I'm not making light of anyone's story. But this is ours. Ours to mourn. Ours to move on from.

Tomorrow will be two weeks. No one mentions it much anymore. Everyone else moves on way before I'm ready to. Maybe that's good. Maybe I should too...I still cry a lot, I don't mean to. But to me that baby was a boy. His precious nursery was planned, baseball themed of course. My mornings were spent pinning ideas on pinterest since March 25th.

There is a lesson to be learned, a revelation to be seen. All of the above. I know this. I'll, in my own time, be fine.

Loss sucks no matter if you ever met the person or not. Never take it for granted!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

To write or not to write

I've always wanted to write a book. But I am well aware I'm probably not the most qualified. Regardless, I woke up early the other morning with an idea on my mind. I'm not sure if this is where I should head or not, maybe a comment or two would help me decide.

She knew.

She didn't know how or where, and definitely not what, but her gift of discernment always pointed to a life changing day. She was too talented to put her self on a bench forever. She did well to hide for as long as she had. But a day many years back always popped up in her head. The day the Lord revealed to her that she'd one day be on stage in front of thousands of women sharing "her story".

It always bothered her, because to her she didn't have a story. Life was pretty good in her opinion. There were the usual ups and downs. A few curve balls here and there, but that was to be expected when your family was watched by so many. Always watching. Always judging. And rarely uplifting. It was to be expected, she chose that life after all. She knew when she said "I do", she'd forever be a pastors wife.

So she knew it would only be a matter of time before the unimaginable would happen and her story would unfold.


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Fashion Guru

...not me, but this lady, oh yes! I just love everything about this blog, and even the writer herself. Sweet woman and an inspiration to me as a Momma! For the longest time I thought she quit blogging, but then I found her again! She has been quite busy making a very successful blog for herself (another reason she inspires me).
Anywho...I came across this post and was in awe! I could never pull off bright colors, well maybe I could I have just never tried. I guess you could say I lack boldness in the fashion area! But I loved the shirt! I had seen it before, but Kristen is the reason I bought it! I also found a skirt, sorry not bright, but I think it will look cute...when it arrives that is! I was going to wait to post until then, but I couldn't wait to get the 2 of you who read this over to Kristen's blog so you can enjoy her fashion tips like I do!
Here is the shirt on me, yes it's a selfie, but my 15 month old is not ready to take pictures for Momma yet, though she thinks she is...

Thursday, June 6, 2013

What's for dinner

When you can't sleep and have to walk around a lot...why not cook?!?!?!
Tonight we will be having a pork roast with veggies! Yum! I'm no Chef, or Pioneer Woman... but here is what I did step by step. If you need a fast, low prep, crock pot meal here ya go!
Pick your roast

 I put sea salt and ground pepper on just about everything, but the star of this meal  will be the bock and brown sugar mix, compliments of HEB

I choose an onion, carrots, and new potatoes

Wash and dry your potatoes

Slice onion and potatoes and place on the bottom (this will help the roast out)

Sprinkle Sea Salt

Ground Pepper...

Looks good to me

Get meat ready...

A little drizzle of Olive oil on each piece of meat

Coarse sea salt works best for rubs...

Use sparingly

A little more pepper

Place roast on top of onions and potatoes

Prep carrots

Slice em' up

Add to the top and sides of the roast

Yes Please

Pour the whole bottle 

I added a little water to the bottle and poured again, then added a little more salt and pepper

8 hours on low

Sunday, June 2, 2013

A day of Crafting

It's no secret, if you know me that is, that I love to craft. However, I also hate to! Ha! Weird I know! My mind is always filled with the want to's and desire to's, but the reality is I'm limited on time to's! I get frustrated and go through stages where I want to sell it all. I look at etsy and pinterest and think "Why didn't I think of that". So while I love it, I also hate it! I want to come up with something original not just use what other people have done and have so freely shared. I want to be able to give a free tutorial on something that will help others as so many others have done for me. But since I haven't yet here are other's free tutorials that I spent all day doing for some sweet friends of mine.

First, monthly onesies! This was my favorite thing to do Aubree's first year of life. Take monthly pictures! I then used them at her first birthday as a banner. It was so awesome to see her growth. HOWEVER, I learned with the stickers, around month 5, that they were so much fun to pull off by Aubree herself, that I barely was able to get a decent picture because of the constant sticker fight! But during that time I wasn't really surfing pinterest to come up with THIS amazing tutorial! For the next child...I will be making my self some of these. For now I made them as gifts!

The growth chart idea came from here....
2 boy sets, 1 girl...forgot to snap the final of the boys


Final product for Melina
The start of growth charts

Baby Luke

Baby Jackson Luke Fletcher

There are two Mize babies so I did the measurements on both sides

I just realized I was not consistent with picture taking and there are not any picture of the boys shirts...boo!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

A Memorial Day to Remember

Life is precious, life is sweet.
I am so thankful for all our men and women who sacrifice/d their lives for our freedom. I can't imagine what it is like day in and day out. I never want to see the front lines. I feel for the families who rarely see their heroes and cry for the ones who never will again. I commend the wives who hold down the fort and remain so brave for their family.
We celebrated, remembered, and honored at home yesterday. Nothing big. Just the 3 of us outside for as long as we could stand it at least. Ryan cooked a brisket, which as I am writing this remembered I never took a picture of his hard work. :( He was disappointed in it (it was a little dry). I felt so bad for him, he worked all through the night to make sure it would be just right. Trial and Error. This was only his 2nd one to ever do! I know my man will get it!
Here are a few pics from our day!

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