Saturday, February 11, 2012

I always want what I can't have

...and I hate that about myself. I have struggled with contentment my whole life. Always wanting the next best thing. Some type of improvement in my life. I get so frustrated with myself. Even being pregnant I couldn't wait for the first trimester to be over so I could begin the second, the second so I could start the third, and now the third so I can hold my baby. Everyone says slow down and enjoy this time, you'll miss feeling her kick. And I know head wise this is all accurate and I will look back and wish I would have. The heart is where I struggle. I want a cheeseburger because I can't have it. I want wine everyday because I'm not supposed to have it. What a twisted thought process I have going on. I know that if I could have either of those (and trust me the list is much longer) this wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't think about it like I do now. I want a bigger house when mine is perfectly liveable for our size now. I want a better job with more pay or no job at all so I can stay home. Messed up huh!
I'm always looking toward the next moment, the next month, the next event rarely allowing myself the priveledge of fully participating and embracing the happenings right before me.
I'm probably not alone in this or at least I hope not (not that I hope you are like this too) but if I am alone in this that means I have a lot of struggles to endure alone.
The point of this post is unclear to me...am I venting or asking for praying in my struggle. Let's go with both for the heck of it. Help me. Pray for me. Give me advice if you so choose. Help me cling to this verse "Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5
In closing, I just have to ask...is there anyone else out there?

3 comments:

Jenny said...

Of course! You are not alone in this dear girl. I remember wanting all those pregnancy milestones to pass when I was pregnant too but it's also in my character to struggle with this daily also. Mine is not really about stuff I have or don't have but mine is more about wanting the next thing to come anxiously. I am training myself to slow down and be present and breathe when I'm places. I'll pray for you on this.

Jill said...

YES, YES, YES!!! Girl you are not alone! I too have struggled and still do with that. Sometimes I think, "well if I just had that, I'd be happy". Then what ever "that" is happens and I think "that's great, but if I just had this, I'd be happier". Ugg, what a messed up cycle. I'll be praying for you and you pray for me. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Jenny said...

And I will pray for both of you! I've been thinking about this a lot today.

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